Saturday, May 9, 2015

Living with ADD

I keep picking up and putting down this book, Driven to Distraction, by Edward Hollowell. His name was familiar to me when the book was recommended, and I soon remembered that he was a client at the literary agency I worked at in Boston. It was a tight knit, friendly group of agents, lawyers and some very high profile clients and everyone was loved and respected (at least while the going was good). I often had to re-organize the book closet and I now remember seeing his books, but at the time the only ADHD case I knew of was a kid my older brother's age who would climb all over us during carpool days.

When I first met my now-husband, he was in a definite state of high. He was newly out of a really destructive (and abusive, on her part, towards him) relationship. He now had his own apartment, he was connecting with old friends, and well, of course, he was dating me so was very happy (wink wink). He also told me early on in the relationship that he had just recently discovered he was ADD (without the H) and had been terribly frustrated and troubled in recent years but now that he knew what ailed him he was excited to treat it and get on track. His dad had diagnosed himself and then hinted to his son that maybe he look into it. My husband had gone through an all-art program since high school because he could not concentrate in traditional classrooms, and ended up with a degree at The Art Institute of Chicago (no small feat but he would not recommend anyone spend any money there), so it all made a lot of sense to him very quickly.

My husband is passionate about his interests, he is more handy that any other man I know (apart from his own father), he is dedicated and loving, a great dad and all around a very very good person. People with ADD like challenging situations -- they like cars, and driving fast. They are racers and gamblers and stockbrokers because there is no better clarity than living in that moment. I count myself lucky that my husband has a vintage motorcycle problem. All in all, it's very affordable compared to other vices. But living with someone with ADD has its teeny tiny little challenges. On the surface is doesn't look like much. But the culmative affect sometimes is very frustrating.

I work as a producer professionally. Have you ever seen 30 Rock? How Tina Fey's character has to corral all these creative types - writers, actors, producers and suits and make what seems like chaos into something coherent, and maybe even good? I loved that show because that's what we do. We work with difficult, brilliant people and make sure their idea shines through. We also have to make sure they get to the shoot, and we have to coddle them through casting and wardrobe and editing, and suit reviews and all that good stuff. I'm good at it because I grew up with difficult people and I am able to negotiate my way while keeping good manners. My mother has no idea where I got my manners. I look at people I admire and try to do what they do. I try to be happy, and accomplished, and creatively fulfilled.

Because I have a capacity for negotiating and corralling, I am good at dealing with the mind of my brilliant, handy, inventive ADD husband. But sometimes, like tonight, I feel like I have failed. If I am tired, feeling overworked, under appreciated and not respected, I will lash out. I will use harsh words, jokingly, but maybe not really. I will let him know I am mad and I won't really back down until he comes to me with a white flag. And god bless him, he usually does. But tonight we are both tired so we are best just parting ways instead.

I'm reading the book again, I gave a copy to a friend whose husband is ADD and not taking his meds (why are all our friends and friend's husbands coming out of the woodwork now in our 30s and 40s?). So I skimmed over the updated version to see if there were any new case studies, the case studies are the best because they are little slices of life that people can identify with. I could see aspects of our issues in a lot of cases, but it does give me some solace to see that we are not nearly as bad off as some. Reading the book gives me more compassion for him, and patience in our relationship, but its not easy. Our brains just don't work the same.

It comes out most plainly in our driving habits, so thank god we are not commuting together any more. It simply will not work. He's aggressive to my cautiousness and both styles drive the passenger crazy. His medication tapers off at the end of the day, so he tends to want to both talk to me, because his job is very solitary and not social, and also ask me to repeat myself when I am replying, because his mind has tired or wandered. He claims it is only his hearing (which as a former metal-head there is some truth to that) but I know that he is simply not focused. And repeating myself more than a few times an hour makes me a little bit crazy. I also get really tired at the end of the day. Being a working mom with a toddler will do that to you. Also hell, I'm getting old. For me, 9pm is time to do, well, nothing. I see what shows I've missed on Hulu or Netflix before I go to bed to read. He hates TV but can't focus on his other projects so sometimes he hovers, asking me about the show, why I am watching it, and pontificating on the state of TV in general. Sometimes I humor him and sometimes I ban him from the room. It's like he wants to be around me but he can't muster up the enthusiasm to make anything of it. I don't need enthusiasm after dinner. I need quiet. He gets that though and we will figure it out, eventually. This house is bigger than I give it credit for. I am currently enjoying a new attic space I just refinished and I'm a little bit in love with it. Obviously it is doing me good.

There are a lot worse problems for a couple to have. We have a lot of love here. We are both very headstrong though, maybe not the best at expressing our differences of opinion, but at least we keep it it interesting. We've accomplished a lot in the last three years, and I feel very enriched for it.

So on this eve of Mother's Day I guess I say -- bring it on. I'll executive produce the hell out of this one too.

xx

E