But being 7 months pregnant and emotional does not help either.
Week started off all right, I've been freelancing so long that it felt like another rote January week to face just like those of yore. My friend was going into surgery on Tuesday so I was a little preoccupied with that, being her point person for updates to the family. Plus I just know I would be terrified to go into a major surgery so I was anxious for her, but she seemed fine.
Tuesday night I was happily settled down with the new episode of Mob Wives, when B called and sounded choked up. I immediately sat up and demanded to know what happened. When she told me that her good friend in Oregon had shot himself, her friend who stayed with me for a weekend in September for her wedding, who I used to counsel about women over IM, who I've gone on MotoGP vacation with, I just simply didn't believe it. I felt bad that she was crying so much because I was sure that his girlfriend had made it all up in some crazy scheme to upset people. There is no way he would do that. I tried to comfort her but all the while whatever I was saying felt canned and pre-scripted and stupid. But it was no matter because a) it was not true, and b) if it was he would be out of surgery soon and just be a little bit worse for wear. She would have to slap him good and all would be forgotten.
But I was wrong. They did perform the surgery but the damage was too far gone.
I cried a lot when it sunk in. I didn't speak to him every day but B gave me an update on him every time he called. We doted on him, and complained about his proclivities in women, and how silly he could be. But there's no woman on the planet who has ever met him and not fallen in love with him, including us. He's one of those special people with a light, a smile, an attractiveness that goes beyond looks or sexuality. One of those people you just want to be around all the time because they make being you more...fun. The idea that he would take that away from us...how much pain could he be in? Then when the outpouring of grief became apparent on the internet. I knew that if he knew so many hearts were breaking around the world, there's no way he would have done it.
And then my friend's surgery was through, but they put her in the ICU instead of her recovery room. And then took her out, and then put her back in. Being the only one to get the initial texts to translate and send onto her family, I felt such great responsibility and worry. She let me visit her once in order to drop off her things after surgery, but only let me stay for about a half hour because she hadn't slept and was in pain. I have to deal with the fact that she doesn't like people around when she's sick. But when she is telling me things about infection, and blood pressure loss, and oxygen in her blood, and possible blood clots... all the while saying that I can't even come to the hospital to assess what's going on. I don't know how to process this information on my own. Is this life threatening? Should her family be here now? So I called the damn nurse myself. She put me at ease but I'm still worried sick.
And another friend in the hospital since Christmas for a blood infection, my cousin back in for diabetes and heart conditions. Too much. Too many things to pour my heart's worry into.
I think the mothering/worrying instinct has kicked in already and I'm an emotional mess. How do I take care of all these angels at the same time? How to I process loss and worry together? Why can't I control everything and why don't people do what I tell them to do?
Being pregnant is hard. Also? My back hurts. But epson salts in the bath are nice. Also, handsome husbands with fuzzy beards that hug me at the end of a hard day that ends in tears. Quite a few nights this week.
Count your blessings, hug your loved ones, and tell them what they mean to you.
Also, my dear friend who has passed would want you to know about this horoscope series so you can always share it with your friends when it's their birthday. So here's the one for his star sign, which we last played here in Chicago on his birthday:
I hope you've found peace dear friend, and lots of hot girls who are not crazy. You deserve that after all this time!
