Well it is time. It always works in a convenient cycle like this. I have my downtime and can't even imagine going back to work. And then after abut 4-6 weeks I finally start to get squirrely. I realize I'm not doing the home improvement I said I would. I'm not taking the toddler all over town (too much traffic!). We are becoming lazy and complacent. I start to feel weird and out of touch with the world. Then magically, someone reaches out and says, want to come work with me? And I say, yeah I guess it's time. Ok!
So after one last vacation to Ohio we are ready to get back to the grind. But first, some lessons learned after spending a week with my family.
*I feel as though I have a wealth of patience - that's why I'm a good producer, and a freelancer at that. I have to walk into situations full of plenty of personalities again and again and make projects move despite all the conflicting quirks of creative types/clients/business needs. So with my family, I am good for quite a few days. I am patient, diplomatic, clear in communicating, enthusiastic. For some reason however, no one in my family can hear what I say the first time I say it. Perhaps I mumble out of frustration? Maybe they are on guard with me and need the buffer time to take in any one thing I say? ("Pass the butter," is hard to decipher?) Maybe they all have some genetic hearing disorder that is only susceptible to the particular wavelength at which I speak? (What luck!) Whatever the reason, it drives me absolutely bonkers. It gets to the point where I'd rather not say anything than say it three times. And when I do say something, I mentally wait for someone to ask me to repeat myself. 75% of the time one of them does. It is tolerable for a few days but absolutely maddening by the end.
*My dear brother lives alone, and works from home, and does not have many people over, like ever. So I have to give him a lot of credit for hosting me and a toddler in his home for 5 days. (This is actually easier than staying at my parents house, at any rate.) It was a big deal for him. And I'm sure he was not too heartbroken when I decided to go home 2 days early. Every night he was exhausted from the simple tasks of grilling a dinner for us, or going to the park. It was all a lot.
*That being said, I could also see that it was taxing to my parents. My toddler sleeps from 12-2 so there were only 2 windows per day to do fun city stuff with her- either first thing in the morning or after nap. So there was only a 2 hour window to do any one thing, and we never tried doing two things in one day. And my mom said she wouldn't be able to handle spending the whole day with us anyway. I think I know why I value downtime now, more so than my husband or a lot of active people I know. This is absolutely how my family functions. Downtime = you are doing it right. Get your work done, your chores done, lay down on the couch and read the Plain Dealer or watch Jeapoardy. Anything else is exhausting and out of scope. I'm glad in a way I married someone so active who pushes me to try new things. Go on exciting vacations. Do different things after work. Although he does let me veg out in the evenings. A bigger house allows us to tolerate tv noise vs power tool noise. He's accepted what he's gotten into with me.
So when I got an email about work, I immediately knew I had to get home to regroup myself. Living among other people's quirks and stress is exhausting. I have enough of those of my own. Little things would bug me, like how my brother randomly keeps half of his fresh food in his dining room, on different buffet surfaces. Oh, the bread is over there? Also, I would have never set up my cupboards the way he did. He has this old silver flatware that needs polishing. Most of his stuff is just second hand from my parents house. Why does he keep his recycling bin in the basement?
I think it is good to be around family, because they remind you of the way you are and they also remind you of the ways you have tried to be different. I didn't have as much anxiety when I was a kid but I can see where the bad nerves were formed before they finally frayed. I know now why I went far away to college. I remember how family can make you feel completely stifled, negated, and silenced. I am so happy to be home, and finally when motoboy came home on Sunday and we had dinner, I felt complete again. Its nice to know you made the right choices in life. And I got out before letting on any of this to my people so we are all on great terms! It's just easier that way to keep it to yourself and keep everyone happy.
Back to work now, will be a little stressful for me. I always get anxious when I am walking into a new situation. This is a place I worked before but they have moved location since I was last there which will be different but exciting. I think its much more modern and light and fun now. I know a few people there, especially my managers who I am very fond of. It's a different sort of angle on what I do which is a much needed break from my last gig which got very stressful and client-need heavy. I'm looking forward to digging in and getting to work and seeing some good creative and helping to maybe make it even better. The waiting is the worst part, but getting my hair colored and a blow out today should help a bit. Even if it is 100% humidity out there.
It's seven years this August that I have been doing this crazy freelance thing. For someone with an anxiety disorder it feels quite brave, but I wouldn't have it any other way. The thought of a permanent job would make me more anxious and backed into a corner. I like coming in and out of the drama. Smiling because all you have to worry about is the work, and your paycheck.
Baby girl is back in 'school', still in the youngest kid's room until they can get her potty trained. I am all for keeping it up on the weekends once started but she is just not interested yet. We shall see what they get up to there, but I will be sad when she moves out of the 'teddybears' room. Sometimes she talks to me like a girlfriend, and runs around on these long fast legs and I can't believe my baby girl is a little kid now. But she is beautiful and fun and kind and sweet and wild and I can't wait to take on the world with her. I decided on our short flight from Ohio that we would some day go to Paris together. Because a 50 minute flight is quite comparable right? For now, its a good indication of lots of fun to come.
Happy end of summer?
E
